These stories were originally posted over a period of years on the ILink email network, in the TransAtlantic conference. My thanks to the "inmates" of this conference for their inspiration and questions on the subject of haggis over the years, and a special thanks to Don Malins for archiving them, especially when I lost them all!
For anyone wishing to use these in any publication, I have no problem with this, but I would ask you to email me, just to let me know where they are going.
If you wish to use these on a web site, either include a link to
http://www.wilsonjo.com/haggis.htm
or just mention the author (John@WilsonJO.com) in any references.
A haggis is a small animal native to Scotland. Well, when I say animal, actually it's a bird with vestigial wings - like the ostrich. Because the habitat of the haggis is exclusively mountainous, and because it is always found on the sides of Scottish mountains, it has evolved a rather strange gait.
The poor thing has only three legs, and each leg is a different length - the result of this is that when hunting haggis, you must get them on to a flat plain - then they are very easy to catch - they can only run round in circles.
After catching your haggis, and dispatching it in time honoured fashion, it is cooked in boiling water for a period of time, then served with tatties and neeps (and before you ask, that's potatoes and turnips).
The haggis is considered a great delicacy in Scotland, and as many of your compatriots will tell you, it tastes great - many visitors from the US have been known to ask for second helpings of haggis!
The noise haggis make during the mating season gave rise to that other great Scottish invention, the bagpipes.
Many other countries have tried to establish breeding colonies of haggis, but to no avail - it's something about the air and water in Scotland, which once the haggis is removed from that environment, they just pine away.
A little known fact about the haggis is its aquatic ability - you would think that with three legs of differing lengths, the poor wee beastie wouldn't be very good at swimming, but as some of the Scottish hillsides have rather spectacular lakes on them, over the years, the haggis has learned to swim very well. When in water, it uses its vestigial wings to propel itself forward, and this it can do at a very reasonable speed.
Haggis are by nature very playful creatures, and when swimming, very often swim in a group - a bit like ducks - where the mother will swim ahead, and the youngsters follow in a line abreast. This is a very interesting phenomenon to watch, as it looks something like this :
__---
/ /
/ /
/-\ /-\ /-\ /-\ / /
The long neck of the mother keeping a watchful eye for predators.
This does however confuse some people, who, not knowing about the haggis, can confuse it with the other great indigenous Scottish inhabitant, the Loch Ness Monster, or Nessie as she's affectionately known, who looks more like this :
__---
/ /
/ /
\\ /-\ /-\ /-\ /-\ / /
From a distance, I'm sure you'll agree, the tourist can easily mistake a family of haggis out for their daily swim, as Nessie, this o f course gives rise to many more false sightings, but is inherently very good for the tourism industry in Scotland.
The largest known recorded haggis (caught in 1893 by a crofter at the base of Ben Lomond), weighed 25cwt.
In the water, haggis have been known to reach speeds of up to 35 knots, and therfore coupled with their amazing agility in this environment, are extremely difficult to catch, however, if the hunter can predict where the haggis will land, a good tip is to wait in hiding on the shore, beacuse when they come out of the water, they will inevitably run round in circles to dry themselves off.
This process, especially with the larger haggis, gives rise to another phenomenon - circular indentations in the ground, and again, these have been mistaken by tourists as the landing sites of UFOs.
I hope this clears up some of the misconceptions about the Haggis, that rare and very beautiful beastie of the Scottish Highlands (and very tasty too).
I have included here as much factual material as possible, although there are many gaps in this subject, and some of the information has to be mere speculation.
No-one has as yet been able to ascertain the sex of captured Haggis, and partially because of this, scientists assume the haggis is hermophroditic.
This may also be a product of evolution, and does explain the logistic problems of bringing two haggis together - after all, sure footed though the beast is, if two were to mate on a Scottish hillside, it is a long fall down, and a slip at the wrong time may very well result in a reduction by two of the total haggis population.
What is known about Haggis breeding is that, several days prior to giving birth, the Haggis make a droning sound - very much like a beginner playing the bagpipes for the first time - giving rise to the speculation that the bagpipes were indeed invented in Scotland, simply to lure unsuspecting haggis into a trap. At the onset of this noise, all other wildlife for a five mile radius can be seen exiting the area at an extremely high rate of knots (wouldn't you if your neighbour had just started to play the bagpipes?). The second purpose of the noise seems to be to attract other Haggis to the scene, in order to lend help with the birth. This also gives rise to the assumption that Haggis are tone deaf.
Haggis normally give birth to two or more young Haggis, or "wee yins", as they are called in Scotland, and from birth, their eyes are open, and they are immediately able to run around in circles, just like their parent.
The wee yins are fiercely independent, and it is only a matter of weeks before they leave the parent, and go off foraging for food on their own, although it is perhaps a two or three year period before they are themselves mature enough to give birth.
Most Haggis hunters will leave the wee yins, due simply to their size, but when attacked by other predators, they are still able to emit the bagpipe like sound, which again has the effect of very quickly clearing the surrounding area of all predators, and attracting other Haggis to the scene. This results in a very low infant mortality rate, with most wee yins actually making it to adulthood.
The lifespan of the Haggis is again an unknown quantity, but from taggings done in the Victorian era, we know that some haggis live for well over 100 years.
JI>some time: Given the inequality of Haggian leg lengths, does it
JI>not follow that, if we look down upon the hill from above, there
JI>must be clockwise and counter-clockwise roaming Haggis? Does this
JI>not complicate mating habits?
Now, here's an intelligent question (at last!). I've been wondering how long it would take someone to ask this one, so I have already researched the reply.
When the wee yins are born, the female haggis, like all aquatic, avian animals, suckles her young. Haggis however are sticklers for protocol, and the male wee yins suckle on the left side, while the females are restricted to the right side. (In the very few instances where all the wee yins are of one sex only, this does cause the odd little problem).
The effect of this is for the male legs to develop in such a way that when they mature, they run in a clockwise circle, while the females run in anti-clockwise circles. (I say circles here, but really, it's only when a haggis finds flat ground that it runs in circles).
Now of course, mating couldn't be easier - perhaps I should draw a diagram:
/-------\
Male Haggis - m / \f - Female Haggis
/ \
/ \
/ Hill \
/ \
/ \
______/ \__________
_
As the above two are quite innocently going about their daily foraging, it is a certainity they will meet, beacause as the male forages in a clockwise direction, while the female goes anti-clockwise, provided they are at the same level, they will shortly meet, and the inevitable courtship ritual ensues - the male asks her out, gives her a box of chocolates, a bouquet of flowers, and takes her to the pictures. (Just joking actually - Haggis don't go to the pictures - they don't have any money).
Now before I depart this subject, I must mention the puir wee yins where the whole family are unfortunate enough to be of one sex only. Well, the mother requires relief (like all mammals) in this situation, so she sets up a rota where some suckle one side one day, and then move over to the other side the next. The unfortunate results of this procedure are two fold. First of all, the puir wee yins don't know what sex they are, and grow up with a major identity crisis, but even worse, they grow up with three equal length legs.
Many years ago, these strange beasties did not survive long, but in more modern times, provided they manage to find a road, they will make their way down from the hills, into the towns and cities, provided they don't get flattened by passing traffic. Here they forage in dustbins, and get what food they can from passing kind hearted people, but alas, they will never find the joys of mating, as they are destined never to meet another haggis, and even if they do, they would be too embarrassed to say anything, because they are never quite sure whether it's a male or a female.
Sad, isn't it ?
It is a well known fact that the ancient Romans built two walls across the country here, called Hadrians Wall, and Antonines Wall. Historically, these walls were built to keep the marauding Picts out of "civilised" Roman "England", but perhaps there was another more sinister motive.
While out on a reconnaissance mission one day, a group of Roman soldiers stumbled on to a haggis during the mating season, and in the ensuing panic, they ran back to the camp and reported they were being pursued by the devil.
The camp commander, being an unimaginative type of Roman, not given to all this namby pamby philosophy that was all the rage at the time, slapped them in irons for a few weeks. Unfortunately, rumours began to circulate round the camp that the devil was alive and well, and living just up the road. Discipline wore a little thin, and the commander decided to do something about it.
It so happened that in the camp at the time was a Greek slave, who among his many other duties, was employed as a part time interrogator of prisoners because he seemed to be able to understand the locals a lot better than the Romans.
He was kitted out with all the latest designer gear - leather skirt, Roman Army Approved safety helmet, sandals, the lot, sent to the chariot pool, where he was issued with the new model Fiat single horse power chariot, and ordered off to scotch the rumours.
Off he went, marvelling at the air conditioning in the new model chariot, the fixed axle suspension, and the acceleration of the single horse power plant. The handling too was superb - a lot better then the standard issue Skoda models he had previously driven.
Eventually, he arrived at the place the soldiers had described earlier, and crawling through the heather, came upon a wonderful scene - a haggis with four wee yins!
This man, being a slave, and far from his own family, was touched by the scene, and decided such a noble beast should be allowed to live in peace, so he slowly backed out of hiding and back to the chariot.
Imagine his disappointment when he found the stupid thing wouldn't start - no amount of kicking or poking would help, the power plant had died, and he was now faced with a long walk back to the camp.
Off he set, but as luck would have it, he was caught by a group of Picts returning from a Picts versus Celts football match. Fortunately, the Picts had won on this occasion, and were in good spirits, so he was allowed to live, with only a few superficial bruises, and flesh wounds.
Suddenly a sound rent the air - the sound of a Haggis call - sensing a carry out around, the Picts disappeared in the direction of the noise, shouting, "Haggis", "Cairry oot", and "We are ra boyz", leaving the little Greek lying in the road.
Shortly after that, he was rescued by a fleeing Roman patrol who had just encountered a group of disgruntled Celts who had also been at the match, but as their team had not been so successful, had not been in quite such a forgiving mood.
The Greek, and the battered patrol arrived back at the camp, and were interrogated by the commander, but in view of his weakened condition, all the Greek could say was, "Hags". (His command of the local dialect was still poor).
Now, as everyone knows, at the time, "hags" in Roman terms referred to witches, and this, combined with the state of the returning patrol, convinced the commander the devil indeed was living in this strange land, so he commanded a wall be built to keep these evil creatures from invading civilisation. The Greek, in honour of his bravery, was awarded an honorary plebiscite, and given a new model twin horse Lancia chariot. The Romans never could pronounce his name of Onissopolis however, and took to calling him Hagis instead.
The name obviously stuck, and perhaps your friend is a descendant of this brave little man.
It was on a cold, calm Winter morning in December 1872 when the barque the Dei Gratia spotted the Mary Celeste, and sparked off what must now be one of the best known unsolved mysteries of our time.
Unsolved that is until now!
In the light of new evidence I have uncovered, I can now reveal the true facts surrounding the mystery of the Mary Celeste.
The brig Mary Celeste left New York with a cargo of alcohol, bound for Gibraltar.
Several days out from port, she was hailed by a passing tramp steamer, and drew alongside the ship. A party was sent aboard, and returned with two items of cargo - one, an elderly Scotsman who went by the name of "Mad Dougal", and the other a large square object, draped in tarpaulin.
Mad Dougal, it seems had decided to leave his native home of Scotland, (or more to the point, had been requested to leave on account of his unique ability to unerringly seek out, and consume large quantities of uisge beatha, without due regard to requesting permission from their owners). He had since learned that his precious stock of the water of life had dwindled into nothing, and began to regret his decision. There wasn't much he could do however, being as how he was now well out of sight of land, so he consoled himself with the company of his pets he had decided to bring with him.
Now, those of you who are reading this story will most probably be wondering what those pets were - and many of you will have already guessed exactly what they were. Aye, Mad Dougal had in fact committed a cardinal sin, and brought a pair of haggis out of the country. Of course, no other crew members of the tramp knew what they were - in fact no other crew members really had much idea what Dougal was (apart from the fact his fare had been paid, of course), many of them thought he was in fact some near relative of Rasputin, trying to escape to distant shores. All however did know of how fondness for the uisge beatha, and were rapidly finding out he had the knack of locating anything with even a trace of alcohol in it from one side of the ship to the other. The result of this was the captain now found his crew on the verge of mutiny - all alcohol was kept under lock, key and armed guard, and still Dougal managed to get at it.
Upon sighting the Mary Celeste, and persuading her to heave to, he managed by means of large sums of money to persuade the captain to take Dougal and the haggis back across the Atlantic with him, and soon, they were all safe on board. Imagine Dougals surprise, nay the ecstasy, with which he greeted the sight of the cargo of the Mary Celeste - alcohol! Now, it has been said that if a man drinks enough whisky, he will live for ever, but no man has yet been able to drink enough whisky. Well, it wasn't whisky , but Dougal was more than willing to give it a try, so off he went.
The Haggis by now were beginning to feel a little neglected, and it transpired one of then was pregnant. I'm sure you don't require me to describe what began to happen (I have already told you in previous articles about the nature and habits of pregnant haggis), suffice it to say that one morning, the crew awoke to such a wailing and moaning they had never heard in their lives, and several of them immediately abandoned ship. Those who were left managed to stuff wax into their ears, and so drown out the terrible noise the Haggis were making, and of course Dougal was well incapable of hearing anything by this time.
Now, there are more things in the ocean than you or I know about, and the noise the Haggis were making finally reached the "ears" (for want of a better word) of one of the denizens of the deep, (a distant relative of Nessie, called Shamus, as it happened), who immediately surfaced to investigate. Upon seeing this monster, the remainder of the crew panicked, and as one, threw themselves overboard, leaving Dougal and the Haggis to their fate.
Now Dougal, having polished off a few jars of the cargo, managed, with unerring accuracy to locate a bottle of 25 year old uisge beatha belonging to the now departed captain of the Mary Celeste, and proceeded to consume that in no uncertain manner. It is a well known fact that, after a few drinks, every true Scotsman believes himself to be indestructible, and invincible. Dougal was no exception to this rule, and upon staggering on to the deck, and being confronted by Shamus, he immediately uttered that completely unintelligible phrase normally uttered by Scottish drunks just before they stick the heid in, "Whit're you lookin' at Jimmy?", and gave the monster a "Glasgow kiss". Shamus was not particularly used to this kind of greeting, but in order to be sociable, he decided to reciprocate, and returned the nod to Dougal.
Now, if you can imagine the state Dougal was in after being heid butted by a twenty ton amphibious monster, you will begin to appreciate the scale of the situation. Dougal was now "oot the box" - completely. Of course, Shamus wondered what he'd done wrong - the subject of his greeting was lying prone on the deck of the ship, so in an attempt to revive him, Shamus picked up Dougal, shook him, and tossed him in the air. As a result of this, Dougal landed some five miles from the Mary Celeste, and no longer plays any part in this tale.
Shamus, still hearing the droning and wailing of the haggis, and recognising the sound, decided he had perhaps rescue them from their fate in the hold of the ship, and steadying himself by grasping the bow of the brig with one claw, deftly picked the haggis in their cage from the hold, and set off for the shores of Scotland to return them to their rightful homeland. In his haste to return the haggis, the Mary Celeste was forgotten about, and hence, days later, she was sighted by the Dei Gratia.
I know this story to be true, because it was told me by a gentleman one evening in a pub after drinking a full bottle of uisge beatha, and it is a well know fact a man who can drink that much, and still be understood, cannot lie.
(I would like to thank Janet Marsten, Edee Deeden and Louise Norgaar for their help in inspiring the research leading up to this article).
I have received many emails on the subject of "How could something like a haggis evolve?", so as always, in my search for the truth, I have painstakingly sifted through ancient documents, scrolls, papyrus and a pile of old Christmas cards, and then I stumbled upon a find of epic proportions! There are no photographs of haggis anywhere! Search the web all you like, read every copy of National Geographic ever written, you will not find one picture of haggis. Granted there are a few "artists impressions" out there, but no actual photographs.
I decided to become the first person to publish a photo' of a haggis, and armed with my trusty box Brownie, a tripod made from bits of hazel stick, and with thoughts of fame, fortune and gorgeous women on my mind, I ventured off into the hills. I spent night after night sleeping rough (until I found the lumps, and turned the mattress over). Then one evening, I heard in the distance, the sound of the 'pipes. I knew it was either haggis mating, or yet another novice piper thrown out of town to practice, and started off in the direction of the sound.
As I approached the source of the sound, I observed a sight which will forever be imprinted in my memory - two haggis engaged in a mating ritual! My heart stopped! Fame and fortune didn't have a look in! I would be the first to capture not only the haggis on film, but to be able to record this event for all to see - future generations would remember my name - women would flock to my door, I'd tour the world giving lectures on haggis, heads of state would nod while passing me in the street! I'd be set up for life!
Stealthily, I set up my photographic equipment, and waited, then came the moment of truth. Click! Captured for posterity, for the world to see! Now, wind the film on until the next number shows in the wee red window, and Click! again - I used a whole roll of film on the sight (a whole 12 exposures), hang the expense, this was world shattering news! It did cross my mind perhaps I should have used colour film, but that was stretching it a wee bit too far.
As I left the scene, I could hardly wait - I rushed back home, my hands shaking as I removed the film from the camera, and loaded it into the tank. This was better than the winning lottery ticket! Then I examined the negatives, looking for the best one to print ... nothing ... just a sort of fuzziness where the haggis ought to be ... every one the same. I was heartbroken - the gorgeous babes I had imagined flocking to my door vanished, and in their place would come double glazing salesmen, insurance salesmen, and Jehovah's Witnesses.
What had happened? I printed the "best" picture, and enhanced it digitally, and yes, there was a haggis shaped blob there, but no detail.
Suddenly I had an idea! The haggis must be able to bend light in some way! They must have a natural camouflage. I decided to borrow a VCR and a digital camera - just in case they could somehow affect photographic film. Sadly, the results returned from all other kinds of recording media were the same. No
pictures.
Disheartened, I sat in the solitude of my bedroom, when the idea came to me - radioactivity!!! Haggis are radioactive! A new theory! It fits! Why do haggis thrive in Scotland? Because the parts of Scotland haggis thrive best are the Highlands, and what kind of rock is prevalent there? Granite - which has a long half-life. Do haggis need radiation to thrive? Do they actually feed on radiation? Are the in fact not native to this planet after all, but perhaps some pets from a UFO which landed hundreds if not thousands of years ago, and escaped? Yes! A new theory, and one which is beginning to make sense, and to explain much about this fascinating animal.
All I can say for the moment is I am engaged in some ground-breaking research, once more venturing into the hills, and the results of this will be published first here on this website! Fame and fortune (and the babes) will yet be mine ... keep coming back for more ... sooner or later I will crack the riddle of the haggis.
(This was in response to a question from Norma McPherson.)
> Happy Easter - do haggis celebrate Easter?
A Happy Easter to you.
As for your question, "Do Haggis celebrate Easter?", I have to say that, although in some places, there is some strange legend about rabbits laying chocolate eggs, here in Scotland, we have no such frivolous and obviously false tales.
I mean, think about it for a moment. You tell your kids, "Hey, kids, the Easter Bunny's been here and laid eggs all over the garden!" What kind of a tale is that to relate to kids? They rush out there, looking for eggs, and invariably eat them right away! Mostly they throw up lots afterwards and their parents ask why?
Think about the hygiene issues for a start. Would you really want to eat something that had just been up a rabbits rear end without giving it a thorough wash first? Come on, be realistic. Then again think about the size of the eggs.
Yes, I know there are some small ones, but have you seen the size of some of these eggs to [supposedly] come out of a rabbit?
If a rabbit had laid one of those, I think we'd find it not too far away gasping in relief from having had something like that pass through its digestive system. How on earth does a rabbit not only manage to lay something like a six inch diameter chocolate egg, wrapped in shiny silver paper with pretty decorations on it, but avoid screaming in pain during the process?
Surely most of the kids that believe in the Easter Bunny should waken up during the night and run terrified to their parents wondering what the unholy row is.
Kids believe in this sort of thing, they're so gullible, and yet they find it difficult to believe in a three legged aquatic, avian, mammal like the haggis.
What is wrong with this world?
Now, what I think happened is that Easter Bunnies, do exist, but that many years ago they made such a fuss about being so cute and fluffy and cuddly, that they really REALLY irritated all the other animals to the point where all the others had a meeting to decide what could be done to silence them.
Suggestions like mass genocide (or should that be mass rabbicide?), deportation to Australia, designer diseases and the like were all suggested, but due to the overall inherent kindness of the other animals, all were turned down.
As is the norm with all meetings, there was a break for lunch, which in those days consisted of chocolate eggs, and during the lunch break, an Easter Bunny wandered into the proceedings asking what was going on. The stoat replied that the rabbits were excluded from the meeting, to which the rabbit said, "How can you do such a thing to me, after all, I'm so cute and fluffy and cuddly - in fact, I'm the cutest and fluffiest and cuddliest of all the animals?"
At the time, the elephant was a little put out, because he was considered to be fluffy, cute and cuddly (that was before the crocodile attacked him with a razor and a portable air compressor - did you know elephants used to be small, cute and cuddly, as well as fluffy?).
The panda was a wee bit miffed as well, because after all, even before the kangaroo gave him his black eyes in a small disagreement over the bamboo shoots (which the kangaroo misheard and thought it was some kind of new liqueur), he did look quite cute, fluffy and cuddly.
It didn't go down terribly well with the koala either, but he was far too shy to say anything about it. In fact, all the animals thought they were at least as cute and fluffy and cuddly as the rabbits, but they were all too well mannered to say so. Only the haggis knew they weren't cute and cuddly, in fact, they knew haggis were thought of as downright ugly by most of the others.
So, the haggis, having had a few whiskys (he was from Glasgow anyway), turned to the rabbit, and said, "See you Jimmy, if you don't shut up aboot being so cute and cuddly and fluffy right now, ah'm gonna' stuff this chocolate egg so far doon yer throat, it'll come oot the ither end!"
The rabbit's reply of "Oh yeah, you and whose army?" didn't quite come out like that, but more, "Oh yeah, you and whose ... aaargh!"
Of course, all the other animals while secretly delighted at how the rabbit had finally been silenced, couldn't show their approval openly, and so the poor haggis had to be disciplined for his actions. The other animals decided to restrict him to one country only, but as compensation, they picked the most beautiful country in the world - Scotland.
So you see, now you have the Easter Bunny, but you could so easily have had an Easter Haggis!
Several people have written to me asking for pictures of haggis, unfortunately, despite several attempts I have been unable to provide these.
> From: Rick Bell
> Sent: 11 February 2003 14:06
> To: john@wilsonjo.com
> Subject: HAGGIS
>
> Hi John.
>
> Loved your HAGGIS websight, which I was showing to an Indian girl who has come to work in our office.
> She is a lovely wee lassie, who has a fondness for animals, so myself and my colleagues decided to
> introduce her to the lovely "Haggis".
>
> She has become very interested in this native Scottish creature, so I was wondering if you could send her a
> personal e-mail all about the Haggis.
> If you have any pictures of a Haggis that you could e-mail to her, it would really make her day.
>
> Thanks for taking the time to read this e-mail, and I look forward to your e-mail.
>
> My colleague's name is "Poonam". She doesn't yet have an e-mail address, so please could you send the information c/o me at
> the above e-mail address.
>
> Hope you (and your Haggis(es)) are well.
>
> Regards
>
> Rick
Hi Rick (and Poonam),
I'd gladly send a picture of a haggis, unfortunately, despite several attempts, I have been completely unable to manage to caputre their image at all.
First of all, I tried my good old Kodak box Brownie (Poonam, that's a rather primitive but functional camera, 1962 vintage, in case you didn't know). The result was a blob on the film - it could have been the haggis, or it might have been my finger over the lens, or it may even have been evidence of UFO activity but whatever it was it was definitely not evidence of haggis.
My next attempt was a Kodak Instamatic (the expensive one, with built-in flash), unfortunately, I was naive enough to think I would get better definition by using the flash and the result five days spent in a hospital bed after being trampled by haggis, and I have had to have some serious ear surgery to get rid of the sounds in my ears (unfortunately they are still with me to this day).
Thinking conventional photography was perhaps a little behind the times, I decided to use a digital camera on my next attempt, but once again this met with disaster. The camera seemed to possess slightly more intelligence than it's operator, and when a haggis was captured in the viewfinder, the camera refused to operate. Inverting the camera to ascertain the cause of the problem did however result in some near perfect pictures of my nasal passages however I was not impressed by the camera's inbuilt red-eye reduction function since, before I used the camera, I did not have red eyes and afterwards I had to wear dark glasses for several days.
Deciding that perhaps the use of technical aids was a little beyond me and recalling how in the days of my youth I'd progressed from drawing matchstick men and women into drawing what (for me at least) were recognisable figures, I purchased an artists kit (from Woolworths - excellent quality) complete with easel, sketching pad, brushes, some kind of black pencils and lots of different colours of paint. Stopping off at the nearest off-license for supplies, I once more headed off into the hills to where I knew the haggis were. I don't know if you have ever tried painting (or drawing or even doodling on paper), but when the sun is shining, there's only a light breeze and the haggis are playing around, it has to be one of the most relaxing feelings in life. Nothing can compare to sitting in the heather with a small (OK, perhaps not so small) glass of uisge beatha attempting to capture the scene for posterity - OK make that several not-so-small glasses of usige beatha then. Bliss. Unfortunately this was Scotland, where all four seasons can (and normally do) come in the same hour. All I have left to show for this trip are some sheets of paper containing similar blobs of colour to the ones I originally took on the box Brownie in the very beginning.
These experiments have taught me several lessons, the main one being, "Don't try to capture the image of a haggis - it's bad luck", another being, "If you do capture the image of a haggis, it always looks like a three year old child's first painting" and finally, "When venturing out haggis spotting, make sure you have all weather gear and several bottles of uisge beatha".
While constructing the Haggis stories, I referred to how the haggis "evolved".
Bearing in mind these stories were written somewhere around 1988, I have to say my views on the subject of evolution have changed greatly since then.
During 1991, I became a Christian, and for some time after that, I tried to justify my beliefs in evolution with what the bible describes in Genesis regarding creation.
I found this to be a process fraught with problems, and in time came to the conclusion that in fact the process of creation referred to in the Bible is in fact a literal account of the formation of the earth, at no point did God make a mistake and have to begin again, but that his creation was perfect from the very beginning.
While I have no wish to "inflict" my Christian beliefs on others, I am only too willing to give reasons as to my faith, all you have to do is ask - i.e. mail me:
If you'd like to buy haggis, then you can do a lot worse than have a look at this site - Mr Lindsay Grieve's Champion Haggis (Of course Lindsay sells haggis, as opposed to Haggis!)
Of course there are other places - if you prefer McSween's haggis, go to The Scottish haggis website. Once again, purveyors of haggis, not Haggis! They even sell vegetarian haggis! (Well, haggis are mostly vegetarian, but it all depends on what they have in the fridge when they get the munchies!)
More haggis information and myths can be found on The World Cuisines pages.
Back to Johns page!